The A to Z of Crappy NES Games: A

Back in the 8-bit era, Nintendo prided themselves on the quality of games they allowed to be released for their console (in America, anyway), making sure to place the "Official Nintendo Seal of Quality" stamp on all boxes, and only allowing third-party developers a set number of releases per year. That's great in theory, but turned out to be somewhat of an empty gesture, because there was no lack of poor games during its lifespan.

This isn't intended to be a definitive list of all terrible NES games; instead, this is more of a sample platter of some of the dreck that slipped through Nintendo's approval process.

A

Amagon





Amagon is perhaps a strange choice for this list, because unlike others, this one is actually playable. Somewhat. What makes it noteworthy though is just the bizarre concept behind it and some strange gameplay choices.

One of the truly unique things about the 8-bit era is that I think some games were made simply because someone thought of a cool name. Amagon's Japanese title translates to, apparently, "Suddenly! Machoman," which sounds like an in-joke gone horribly wrong.



Despite looking like a ten year old, Amagon is apparently, according to the game's manual, "the most decorated Marine," who "was assigned a mission by his commander to investigate a strange, monster-infested South Pacific island, from which no man had ever returned alive." Whoever this guy's commander was had a hell of a sense of humor. Apparently he was also sent "with a machine gun as his only weapon," and "took off by plane and crash-landed on the island's beachhead."

This "most decorated Marine" sound like a hell of a screwup.



Here's where the game's real conceit comes in- the fabled "Suddenly! Machoman." After collecting an icon from some fallen jungle creature, pressing the select button allows you to become a hulking "Megagon" (their word, not mine) who forgets how to use the machine gun and can only throw uppercuts and energy blasts from his chest.

The game looks decent enough, but Amagon jumps all screwy and his bullets have laughably short range and limited ammo to boot, leading to clumsy deaths at inopportune times. Apparently there's aliens and dinosaurs at later levels but I never made it that far.

http://www.atarihq.com/tsr/manuals/amagon.txt
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amagon

The Adventures of Bayou Billy





A cool game in concept, Bayou Billy was a multiple-format action game that involved Double Dragon-style beat-em-up sections, third person driving sections, and even levels that let you use the NES' Zapper.



I wish I could tell you more about the game but even back when the game was new my friends and I could only make it to level 4 (of 9) before losing. When I started up the game today to take screenshots, I spent half an hour failing to beat the first level. This game is legendarily fucking hard.



Bayou Billy did teach me one really important thing, however. If you're ever really hungry, if your life bar is reaching its end, all you have to do is punch some rednecks and alligators and eventually one of them will drop a fully cooked chicken or two. Also that Konami had some serious issues in the 80s with difficulty levels. And commercials.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bayou_Billy

Far Cry 2 Diary

I ran over a zebra today. As someone who has only seen a few in his lifetime and even then only behind safety fencing, this struck me as fairly ludicrous. Of course, this wasn't in person, it was in Far Cry 2, but having large African wildlife dash out in front of my beat-up (and fascinatingly, branded) Jeep Wrangler as I barreled down a makeshift road is a strange experience. Especially because playing a game that uses something, anything but the Unreal Engine has incredible impact on immersion.

Far Cry 2 is at once a beautiful and ugly game. The lighting and flora and fauna and landscapes are easily some of the most incredible looking things I've ever seen in a game. Cross over into any human-populated area, though, and suddenly I find myself mourning the loss of wildlife.

And thank god for those rare moments of zen-like relief when you can escape from the man-made roads and drive off into the desert, admiring the scenery, because the game is brutal. The makers of this game have some serious balls to make a game that is so incredibly oppressive to play. Weapons break constantly, your malaria infection tends to lead to inopportune deaths, and you're ambushed every quarter mile on the road. The game takes a definite toll on you, especially in the first handful of hours.

Requiring putting a handful of hours into a FPS before it even becomes enjoyable is an incredible risk. This isn't a game like Fallout 3 which is an RPG masquerading as an FPS, but an honest to god open world FPS, a genre whose history lends itself towards instant gratification.

The only good comparison I can think of is to certain movies. Sam Peckinpah's Straw Dogs is a harsh, painful movie to watch. Even the eventual release at the end is bittersweet and not wholly satisfying. The act of watching the movie is a trial and the reward is the emotional response, good or bad, and analysis it provokes.

Far Cry 2 is also a trial. Its ultimate reward seems to be a sense of contentment; not with fun, even though there is eventually some of that, but a sense of playing something unique and genuinely interesting and thought provoking. The story isn't the thought-provoking part, either, despite the blatant references to Conrad's Heart of Darkness. It's the process of game development, the fact that the best stories in the game are the ones that happen spontaneously, and the sense of immersion.

So maybe a beautiful example of African wildlife had to die at my hands for me to step back and realize how amazing what I'm playing truly is. The game definitely has its share of real problems but it's these moments of utter amazement that will ultimately stay with me.

EGM Shut Down, Massive 1up Layoffs

A million people on the web are already writing about the closure of EGM and layoffs at 1up, including the folks behind the best podcasts in the industry.

All I'll add, then, is a hearty "good luck" to those involved, many of whom I'm sure will end up doing even more amazing things.

http://multiplayerblog.mtv.com/2009/01/06/egm-closed-ziff-lays-off-30/

Virtual Console: 12/8

The only new game available this week on Virtual Console is Sonic The Hedgehog 2. Not the Genesis version, though; no, that already came out. Instead you get the Master System port. Hooray?

Nintendo claims to have sold 800,000 Wiis Thanksgiving week. You'd think at least a decent fraction of those new owners would like to see some good VC content, wouldn't you? Maybe Nintendo's waiting until after Christmas to unload it. Or maybe they don't care either way.

DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black Label EXTRA Delayed

The DonPachi series, and DoDonPachi in particular, are some of my all-time favorite shooters. Cave are one of the few companies who really seem to get the Bullet Curtain-style of shooters balanced right, and even though my skill falls right apart after the second stage, I enjoy the hell out of them.

The upcoming redux version of DoDonPachi for the Xbox Live Arcade with the ridiculous name DoDonPachi Dai Ou Jou Black Label EXTRA has unfortunately been pushed back from a Christmas release due to the developer running behind schedule. Too bad, but as long as we get it at all, I'll be extremely happy.

Virtual Console 12/1

Christ, I was dreading this. I have a lot of work to catch up on, and wasn't too thrilled with the prospect of playing whatever awful game Nintendo threw up on VC this week... and then I saw the list.



Metal Slug 2 is my favorite entry in one of my favorite series of all time. This is the one where they got everything right. From eating until you get fat ("Whoa, big!") to turning into a mummy, I never get tired of it.

But then there's the issue of Nintendo's incessant repackaging of games that are already available . What doesn't make one goddamn lick of sense is that you can get the Metal Slug Anthology for Wii and get Metal Slugs 1-6 and X (a redux of 2). Even the ones in that collection that aren't up to snuff (I'm looking at you, 4) are still good by most games' standards. You're much better off coughing up the $30 or less to just buy the disc version, cope with the random loading, and appreciate the best Contra-esque platform/shooters outside of Gunstar Heroes... and Contra.

Ecclesia is Difficult Done Right

I've owned Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia for several weeks now and I am finally making progress. As much as I'd like to say that it's been in my backlog pile with Fable II and Dead Space, I've actually been playing it fairly regularly, if only for an hour or so every other day.

It's hard. Damn hard. It's also the first game I've played in a long time where the difficulty can be overcome by practice and skill alone. Playing through the most recent Call of Duty really emphasized the fact that so much of what makes most modern games difficult is not a steep learning curve but a barrage of unpredictable and unfair bullshit. There were some missions in CoD: World at War that were so controller-snappingly frustrating that I forgot about how much I enjoyed some of the others until my second playthrough. It's not the classic "get in, die, learn, make it a little further, die, continue," model of gameplay. Instead you can either breeze through a level or die thirty times in a row under a hail of grenades. My only saving grace on some levels (hello, Reichstag) was my knowledge of the "invisible line scripting" mechanic. Instead of having a tough firefight and ultimately winning, you have infinitely spawning Nazis. The game practically forces you to Rambo your way through, clicking the sprint button and hauling ass towards the "IF player approaches THEN retreat" trigger.

My point is that OoE brings back that old Contra style of play- if you fight a boss enough times, you can eventually beat them without taking a single hit. The balance between the time you spend replaying boss fights (a lot) and the satisfaction gained from steadily getting better until you win (a LOT) is fantastic. I haven't beaten the game yet, but I'm at the (real) final area, and I've had only one moment so far that made me almost throw the DS across the room (in-the-dark death spike jumping puzzle- fuck you).

It's hard to be fully objective- I'm a total Castlevania fanboy, and short of 3D games and shitty Wii fighters, it's hard to disappoint me. Then again, as somebody who has played Castlevania games for 20 years of his life, it's so satisfying to see not only quality, but some (if minor) innovations. The glyph system, the weapon combos, the emphasis on enemy resistances, the severe shortage of health potions- it all clicks. Castlevania has always been a kind of a niche game, despite its considerable profile. The people in the know probably already have this, and those who aren't probably never will; it's unfortunate because this is easily one of the best games of 2008.